miscellany (including things we do
when we're really bored)

This is just all the stuff I thought was neat to have a record of that didn't fit anywhere else. Most of it was inspired because we had too much free time on our hands, and not nearly enough oxygen in our grey matter.

Princess Bride Drinking Game
The Shirley Manson
A New Neil-Inspired Party Game
This Thread is Going Bananas
A Solution To Linguistic Difficulties
Far Too Well-Washed And Not Whorey Enough

Princess Bride Drinking Game - Sparrow

We kind of adapted and expanded on the ones we found on the net, so there isn't a link to it, but I thought I would post it here - not too long


* Guys drink on the phrases:

* Girls drink on the phrases:

* Whenever any of the following main phrases comes up, everyone drinks:

* Whenever the following phrase comes up, follow by saying the name of the person you nominate to drink:

* Everyone must stand and drink on the phrase:

* Each player is allocated one of the following words or phrases, and drinks whenever it occurs. Each occurs 3 times, although some are easily missed if not paying careful attention. Some of these are clumped very close together...

* Each player has one of the following phrases on a piece of paper drawn out of a hat, and waits for it to come up. Must say it along with the movie, or drink. 1. Keep your shirt on and let me read.
2. We'll reach the cliffs by dawn.
3. Probably some local fisherman out for a pleasure cruise at night, through eel-infested waters.
4. You are using Bonetti's defence against me, ah?
5. Frankly, I think the odds are slightly in your favour at hand fighting.
6. Have you ever heard of Plato, Aristotle, Socrates?
7. Unless I'm wrong, and I am never wrong, they are headed straight into the Fire Swamp.
8. You survived the Fire Swamp, you must be very brave.
9. Get some rest - if you haven't got your health, you haven't got anything.
10. My spy network has heard no such news.
11. There we cannot help you.
12. You don't seem excited my little muffin.
13. Do you want me to read this or not?
14. Friendless! Brainless! Helpless! Hopeless.
15. What I wouldn't give for a haulocaust cloak.
16. You've got an overdeveloped sense of vengeance.

If you catch them all, then everyone will be drinking about 70-80 times. This works out to about once every couple of minutes, but with significant clumping of drinks in different places (especially at the iocane-poisoned "wine in front of..." scene, and the "gate key" conversation, among others). If this seems too complicated, I think the things listed above are in order of importance. Certainly the 8 main phrases and the 4 phrases that are gender specific are a must (gender specificness could be dropped of course, increasing the number of drinks to 90).  

Disclaimer - I do not encourage the excess consumption of alcohol, or the association of excess alcohol consumption with the movie "The Princess Bride". No warranty, express or implied, is provided with this game, and no prizes will be provided for successful completion. Please be careful not to over-indulge in "the wine in front of you". :)

Haiku - Different verses by MarkWCats and NightWalker and Cassie

Paradise was lost.
Had Milton written haiku,
I would enjoy it.

Gaze out at a tree,
With a spreadsheet before me.
Haiku are better.

Does aren't have two -
I think hard on syllables.
Is this a haiku?

Find long words with few.
Are syllables in it to
Have the first line long?

Coffe mug empty -
Did I see something moving?
I will drink no more.

Finite number of
Syllables implies finite
Number of haiku.

I must stop this now -
Writing haiku - addictive.
I should be working.

To write a haiku
Requires conciseness of...
No space remaining.

I think, no reason,
Of Yoda writing haiku,
I stop, shuddering.

Office is empty.
I must not open notepad,
Lest I write haiku.

No somethings moving.
This is very good, I think -
Now for more coffee.

There is a beeping,
I look in horror for it.
Is it my mobile?

After writing them,
I want to speak in haiku.
I manage not to.

Maybe I'm alone.
I will be found here later,
With many haiku.

Haiku should deal with
Nature, and not with haiku.
Stop writing them, Mark.

Blue paint and plastic.
I see it all about me,
Why must all be blue?

Five, seven, five, right?
Dammit! I can't write like that.
F*ck this 'haiku' shit.

To write a poem
with seventeen syllables
is very dif...' DAMN!

Poems that rhyme? Hah!
I won't waste my precious time.
Haiku's get the Chicks.

Pretentious tosser
with melodramatic flair:
Save it for the clubs.

Walker the Bouncer
Doesn't take shit from fuckwits.
Layeth the smack down.

Refrigerators are cold.
We put food in them.

Bruises dance across
My skin almost as though I'd
already fallen.

I wake, and you still
Haven't managed to frequent
My head or my bed.

The Shirley Manson - NightWalker


Let me just get that out of the way, first. Ow.

Secondly, a disclaimer: Drinking the total amount of 2 1/2 22 oz. bottles of scotch while researching drinks will smash younger, or less experienced drinkers. For myself and the rest of the lushes out there, just make sure you go to bed with plenty of Exedrin PM, and have a cup of coffee (cold, warm, doesn't matter) near the bed when you wake up. Drink research is a noble thing, and should not be laughed at. Well, chuckled and giggled at, but no guffawing or chortling.


Right: Now...there are three serving options of the Manson. All of them have the same base ingredients, but two of the three contain ice, and there are 4 'variations' to the drink that are found lower in the text.

The recipe for the Shirley Manson (and I'll explain it) :


In a standard 6 oz. drinking glass, mix the following:
2/3rds of the glass Scotch
Splash (like a second's worth) of Grenadine
Splash (like a second's worth) of LemonLime
If you don't have Lemon Lime mixer, 7up may be used, but then the drink is a bit weird and fizzy on top.

You can serve it straight, on the rocks, or crushed and blended...kinda like a margarita, but the ice tends to melt faster and water down the drink in the crushed version.


Optional equipment, or, Ways to Screw with It:

The 'Crush' : Two splashes of Lemon Lime, two splashes Grenadine, add a cherry.

The 'SuperVixen' : Rim the glass in sugar...or salt if you're in a bitter mood.

The 'Stupid Girl' : No Lemon Lime, two splashes of Grenadine, but a lime wedge on the rim to suck, add a cherry.

The 'Push It' : This one hurts. In a double shot, the scotch. In another shot, mix mostly tequila, then equal lemon lime, and grenadine (it's a weird cherry 7up tasting kick to the skull). Appropriate salt and lime for the unlucky. Lick the salt, pound the scotch, then pound the chaser immediately, then suck the lime.

As with most hard mixed drinks, the first one you ever have might taste a bit funky...but you get used to it rapidly. I do not reccomend however, trying to use your new voice recognition software to take notation while you are attempting to research. Nor do I reccomend trying to write. Thanks for video technology, I have the entire process on tape, and I'm pulling the results from there. The tape will be summarily destroyed, so no visual record (other than this post) will be available.

New Neil-Inspired Party Game (long) - NightWalker

...or, 'How to get drunk while being a poet.'

Last night, a fellow Thingie and myself were chatting, and we came up with a rather interesting new party game. Hopefully this will have it's first Incarnation at ConCat this month.

To proceed: The name of the Game: NAH!

In this new piece of insanity brought to you by Wasting Bandwidth Productions, you have the opportunity to put three things together: Neil, alcohol, and the timeless art and joy of Haiku (thus the name, 'NAH!'). At first, not many people wish to combine these things, but we here at WBP enjoy erasing the line between insanity, and stupidity.

In order to play the game, you need: Between 4-8 people (even numbers are useful, and everyone must be drinking age)
A hat
A stopwatch
Lots of little pieces of paper
A round of drinks (you'll need lots of these)

The rules are simple. Everyone takes two pieces of paper. On each, they write (print *clearly*) the name of a Neil book or story (for example, 'Neverwhere'), and two things from the book or story (these can be characters, items, locations, whatever).


An example:

Neverwhere, food, Croup & Vandemar
(Croup & Vandemar are considered 1 for this example, but use your own discretion when playing)


After this is done (everyone should have two pieces of paper, with stuff written down on it. Fold these in half, and place them into the hat. Now, everyone orders a drink (beer, shots, mixed drinks...no matter)...sits in a circle, and the game starts.

First, the person wearing the most black starts. Consider *every* article of clothing, and proof must be shown (all we're asking for is a strap or a piece of fabric when considering undergarments. No overt nudity or exposing is needed, but it is accepted gleefully). A pair of shoes counts as 1, as do a pair of socks. Headwear does not count (hats, scarves, etc.). In case of a tie, or in case that nobody's wearing black, the person sitting to the left of anyone who ordered a green-colored drink goes first. In case of TWO people ordering a green drink, or nobody ordering a green drink, you decide amongst yourselves who goes first. I can't think of everything, dammit.

Now...the first person reaches into the hat, swirls it around, and pulls out a single piece of paper. They have 'till a steady count of 5 (everybody count!) to read the contents. If they can't read it/make out the words/etc, pick another one. The person who did not write clearly immediately takes a mouthful/shot/etc. of whatever they're drinking as penance, and they have to re-write the suggestion, so everyone can read it. Upon reaching '5' in the count, the stopwatch is started. The person now has 60 seconds to come up with a standard Haiku (three lines, first line with 5 syllables, second line with 7, third line 5 again.) mentioning *everything* on the paper. You must invent, and recite, the haiku in under 60 seconds. A complete haiku must be spoken. No first line, long pause, second line, pause, third line stuff.) Given the example above ('Neverwhere, food, Croup & Vandemar'), you would have 'till a count of 5 to read the contents, and then 60 seconds to come up with and recite something along the lines of:

Croup and Vandemar
Eating puppies and rats. Yum!
Neverwhere's Evil.

If this is accomplished, good! Pass the hat to the right. If you fail to come up with Haiku in 60 seconds or less, take a mouthful (or shot, etc.) of whatever your drinking. After you drink, pass the hat to the right.

Play continues until there are no more pieces of paper left. People are allowed to bow out at any time (if they can't think/drink/need to throw up/etc.) without penance. There is no 'right or wrong' haiku (unless the syllable count is wrong). There is no judgements on whether it's good or not. It's a game to see how creative you can be in a short amount of time.

Variations on the game include:

TeamPlay: Two people per team. Each team picks two suggestions. Open one of the papers, and read the suggestion for a 5 count. Then team has 60 seconds to come up with a haiku. This includes reading time. After the first haiku is recited, stop the watch. The team then opens the SECOND paper, reads the suggestion for a 5 count, and must use the Remaining Time to come up with a second haiku. If the first haiku took 15 seconds, they have 45 seconds to complete the second, etc. If it's accomplished, pass the hat. If not, BOTH people on the team drink, and then pass the hat.

This Thread Is Going Bananas - Ghost, Scott, Adonien

(Elvis Presley)
"I can't help falling in love (with a banana)"
"A big hunk of love (with a banana)"
"Come along (with a banana)"
"You're the Devil in Disguise (with a banana)"
"Beginers Luck (with a banana)"
"Anyone would love you (with a banana)"
"As long as I have you (with a banana)"
"Any way you want me (with a banana)"

Let's Get It Up with a Banana
Inject the Venom with a Banana
What Do you Do for Money Honey with a Banana?
Let Me Put my Love Into You with a Banana
Deep in the Hole with a Banana
Big Balls with a Banana
Got You by the Balls with a Banana
Girl's Got Rhythm with a Banana
Nervous Shakedown with a Banana
Sin City with a Banana
If You Want Blood You've Got It with a Banana
Shoot to Thrill with a Banana
Up to My Neck in You with a Banana
Go Down with a Banana
Givin' the Dog a Bone with a Banana
Sink the Pink with a Banana
There's Gonna Be Some Rockin' with a Banana
Squealer with a Banana
Love at First Feel with a Banana
Beating Around the Bush with a Banana
Touch Too Much with a Banana
Let's Make It with a Banana
If You Dare with a Banana
Hard as a Rock with a Banana
Caught With Your Pants Down with a Banana

Alice in Chains - "Down in a Hole (With a Banana)"
David Bowie & Trent Reznor - "I'm Afraid of Americans (With a Banana)"
Eurythmics - "I Saved the World Today (With a Banana)"
Genesis - "I Can't Dance (With a Banana)"
Jimmy Hendrix - "Foxy Lady (With a Banana)"
Marilyn Manson - "Down in the Park (With a Banana)"
Nine Inch Nails - "We're in this Together (With a Banana)"
Red Hot Chilli Peppers - "My Friends (With a Banana)" ; "Under the Bridge (With a Banana)"
The Cure - "Touch Me (With a Banana)"

A Solution To Linguistic Difficulties - Karen

I thought this might help with some of the occasional linguistic difficulties around here. Or not. :)

-------- Original Message --------

[WARNING - this is *very* off-topic]

>Erm, you have it entirely wrong. Americans can't, as a rule, speak or   write their own language well enough to correct anyone on it, much less those who invented the language in the first place. The fact that "ain't" is now in the dictionary disturbs me no end. And  the very fact that you spell "burglarise" with a 'z' (there are NO proper "ise" words which you spell with "ize" attests to your own acceptance of the complete mangling of the English language.

Surprize, surprize... According to my American dictionary, I find several -ise verbs that the Americans spell with an s instead of a z.

ircumcise, compromise, exercise, exorcise and improvise. I find it disturbing that they insist on "anglicize" though...

In the interest of promoting friendship between the two countries, I decided to develop a few programs to help translating between the two:

--- cut here --- to_us --- cut here ---
#!/bin/perl -pi.uk -e 's/ise((|s|d)\W)/ize$1/g; s/our((|s|ed)\W)/or$1/g'
--- cut here --- to_us --- cut here ---

--- cut here --- to_uk --- cut here ---
#!/bin/perl -pi.us -e 's/ize((|s|d)\W)/ize$1/g; s/or((|s|ed)\W)/our$1/g'
--- cut here --- to_uk --- cut here ---

to_uk <list of files to convert>
to_us <list of files to convert>
to_uk Version 1.00
to_us Version 1.00
Copyright (C) 2001 Arthur Hagen - all rights reservedized.

The next version will deal with translations like:

biscuit cookie
scone biscuit
lump of dough scone
fag cigarette
homo fag
gay happy
socialist communist
whig socialist
tory democrat
right-wing tory republican
green tree-hugging
bloke buddy
sod fuck
oops fuck
oh fuck
jolly fucking
very fucking
really fucking
quite fucking
guy motherfucker
bloody motherfucking
darn motherfucking
, , you know,
. , know what I mean?
! , man!
nude pornographic
nudity porn
flat apartment
lift elevator
chemists drug store
loo rest room
complain sue
chips fries
maize corn
corn grain
coffee espresso
tepid water coffee
cold water beer
tipsy drunk
drunk plastered
pissed dead drunk
annoyed pissed
irate postal
nice cool
cool cold
cold freezing
snow snow storm
drizzle rain storm
rain flood warning
light breeze wind storm
windy hurrican
foreign weather sunshine
brolly umbrella
telly TV
umpire referee
bowler pitcher
football soccer

I believe there could be a market for a conversion program like this.

Far Too Well-Washed And Not Whorey Enough - Mute, Cassie, Lady Miss Tree and Loz

M: Okay, there's the replacement for "ooh! leopard undies!"

C: i live to serve.

C: & by "serve", i mean "perplex & horrify". in any case, your wish is granted.

M: hurray! but you might have to lose the iliad awry bit, as it's disappearing off into the date in my display, thus reading "far too well-washed and not whorey eno". Which is amusing, but possibly not what you meant. (It's a fairly accurate statement of fact, though!)

M: I now expect you to start avoiding some personal hygiene rituals.

C: and what are you planning to pay me if i do, hmm?

M: One step at a time. When you strike the perfect balance between squeaky-clean shiny-teethness and broken-down smelly hagitude, we can open the negotiations about trips to Herefordshire.

C: no no, dollface. discussion of fees comes before i do anything at your request. it's part of the whore code.

M: I'm setting a team of tech-geeks to work on cracking the whorecode.

C: tech geeks very rarely have the right equipment to get a whore to open up & tell her secrets.

M: If my hapless lackies fail, then I shall attempt to penetrate the mysteries myself.

C: i think you'll find the fee for any of that sort of penetration a bit stiff.

M: I believe I can meet the challenge. I'm an upright young man, and well hard.

C: i don't require anything to be hard but the cash, babydoll.

M: Hmm. And here I was planning on diversifying my cashflow and rendering a number of your assets fluid.

C: if you're going to cause me to gain large amount of liquid assets, i'm sure we can work out a position suitable for both of us.

M: How well do you respond to direct supervision?

C: if i'm to be hovered over and slobbered on by a third party during transactions with my clients, there will be an extra charge.

M: What about when working on your own projects?

C: i consider any sort of observation to be a billable use of my time.

M: We'll be placing a higher premium on on-the-job consultation than if| you freelance at home and just bring the results in later.

C: while this idea appears logical on the surface, i believe a deeper probing will reveal that the specialized equipment i am able to use at home --and the expense and effort i have gone to to acquire said equipment -- compensate to some degree for my absence. moreover, encounters with other clients at my home are available for review, & i do consider at-home consultation for my current clients.

M: While we may be able to negotiate partial telecommuting later, should you successfully fit the position, I'm afraid we will definitely have to assess performance in a variety of unfamiliar environments at the outset. We feel it imperative to establish your adaptability under pressure.

C: i find the position in which you are placing me to be tenable -- nay, pleasurable. i enjoy plying my trade in exotic locales. however, a consultation fee for these initial encounters is a must. plus travel expenses, of course.

M: There will, of course, be an exploration fee payable for our initial ventures. Should an ongoing business engagement be established, we will negotiate rates for the range of tasks likely to be required of you on a regular basis. If unusual demands for services beyond your normal remit arise further into the contracted term, then bonuses will be paid on a case-by-case basis, depending on the difficulty of the work involved and the time needed to complete it.

C: Hey, that sounds remarkably like my employment contract...

M: We will be keeping your details on file in case the position becomes available again in the future.

LMT: Oh, that is cold. Lady Miss Tree, who needs to improve her flexibility for these sorts of positions.

M: Let me assure you that your credentials are impressive, and your excellence in any given position is not in doubt. It's simply that our human resources department is fully engaged in the suitability evaluation process, and are close to filling the role. Our requirements are subject to variation and change, however, and should an opening suited to your talents and experience arise, we will be making discreet enquiries as to your availability.

C: i understand that your need may require international travel. will you be providing the fee for renewal of my passport, &, if so, when can i expect it? at that point, i can begin making arrangements for my arrival in your area for interviewing, as well as earning a discount with a major international airline for your business. 

M: I have to say, we're somewhat taken aback at your expectation of   immediate, catered overseas travel, rather than initial toiling in one of our regional operation centres. Should this self-interest prove indicative of your general working attitude, then we may have to initiate some forms of disciplinary action.

C: your previous correspondence had indicated that you wanted to test my prowess personally and in exotic locales. it seemed most efficient for you to have me brought to your exotic locale. though disciplinary action is part of my repertoire -- many consider it part of my charm. 

M: Young lady, if you keep backtalking to your superiors, then we're going to have to retract some of your privileges and move you to the dark, cold office in the basement. You're going to find it quite challenging to perform your duties when hamstrung like that.

C: remember that this is a mutual interview experience -- i am trying to get a feel for your ability to meet my employment needs even as you ascertain the range of my skill.

M: Does an employer who is willing and able to assert his authority and exercise discipline when it suits the occasion not match your needs?

C: While I am excitied by the prospect of such an employer, I felt that a reminder was necessary. Please continue.

L: Oh get a dungeon you two!

C: Only if it's your dungeon. ^_^

M: Our esteemed placement consultant Mr [sic] Pycock has also concurred that an initial appointment to the 'dungeon-feature' office would be suitable for you. Shall we take an inspection tour?

C: Yes.

M: Well, you'll appreciate the unreliable lighting - very atmospheric, helps set the mood for clients and yourself alike. Bare walls, to promote focussed concentration upon the tasks at hand, though you'll note there are fittings to enable the suspension od decorative posters, people, etc. The desk is obviously the main feature, and can be adjusted to whatever angle or level suits you best for specific tasks. It also contains many drawers and other repositories (plain-sight, desktop and hidden) where you may store whatever tools, utensils, fasteners, widgets and gonks you will find necessary in performing your work. The chair might not conform to usual office standards of mobility, but does provide several compensatory features, and offers excellent lumbar support should you, or anyone, have some cause to remain in it for some hours without moving.

C: This sounds excellent. Are suitable restraints considered office supplies, or should I bring my own?

M:  We do supply all necessary equipment, but if you are more comfortable using familiar supplies and tools, you may feel free to bring your own.

C: I did not want to imply any insult by bringing my own if they were unnecessary, but I am more comfortable working with those items I have tested.

M: And although the office is isolated and soundproofed, you'll be relieved to hear that a hidden closed-circuit camera allows for security to monitor your consultations, as well as providing an easy way for the partners to review your on-the-job performance.  

C: *nods* For a limited time, this is a suitable arrangement. 

M: Tapes will also be available for your personal evaluation.

C: I find that satisfactory. 

C: On a similar note, one of my references (a Mr. Scott Conner) suggests that you (and I use his words here) "just lie on [your] Bacchus and take it like a man." I thought I would pass this message on, as Mr. Conner is nearly incommunicado these days. 

M: I believe that would come under the heading of 'promotion', and as such will have to wait until we have evaluated your performance in other, less dominant roles.

C: I have heard tell that of the two roles, the submissive is harder to play with gusto. Thus making it an excellent test.

M: We anticipate your fulfilment of the role with great interest.

C: I am sure that the amount of veracity and inspiration I can give to the role will be acceptable.

M:  Well, I believe the board is satisfied with your oral presentation, and anticipate revising completely your 'not whorey enough' status upon experience of your performance. However, there is still concern that you may be far too well-washed for our complete satisfaction.

C: I have found in my experience that my clients prefer to handle the task of getting me to a state of unwashedness themselves, rather than having it done before they arrive.

M: We find this thoroughly practical attitude to be heartening, but it has not quite alleviated our concerns about any off-puttingly obsessive nature to your dedication to cleanliness. 

C: I shall do my best to do so.

M: How soon after a client has rendered you, let's say, less than pristine do you feel the need to wash? Will you terminate a consultation in order to wash? Do you approach washing as a personal task, or will you enlist the client in the restoration of your hygiene?

C: As long as I am otherwise occupied, I can go without washing for quite some time -- much longer than the duration of the average client consultation. I will not terminate a consultation in order to wash, though I do require sufficient time to do so between consultations. I will involve the client in my washing endeavors if he or she so desires.

C: These answers are subject to change when I play a more dominant role, but only for the purpose of maintaining my dominance over the client. One cannot have an unclean dominatrix.