random longer bits

Page Two: 16-30

NightWalker as Destruction in the Land O' 10,000 Lakes
Preparing For Attack
Lady In Distress
Surreal... Um... *Some*thing
When The Music Dies
Duties Of A Fairy Godfather
Intestinal Boogie?
Thingie Clue
Sinoplicious
Neanderthingies
Thingie Action Figures
Who You Calling "Kid"?
Tree-Huggers Turned Violent
Michael Hutchence Calendar Euphemisms
You'll Be Doing *What* With The Nads?

NightWalker as Destruction in the Land O' 10,000 Lakes - Lance "Squiddie" Smith

Anyone else noticing a trend here?

Wednesday - Walker prepares for Con - Contractors backhoe a pipe at TC International airport. Air conditioning knocked out.

Thursday - Walker arrives - Contractors open active pipe thinking it dry. Concourse at airport flooded.

Friday - Walker awakes - Tornado warnings. Strange weather.

I dunno about anyone else in the area, but I'm getting the hell away from St. Paul this week. I'm definitely not going to the airport until I'm sure he's long gone.

(I'm pretty sure Great Cthulhu doesn't slumber in any of our 10,000 lakes, but I'm not taking any chance with that either.)

ObGaiman: I think I know someone's assigned to take a bullet for Neil should an emergency arrise, but I dunno if he'll take a whole ceiling if the cyclones come.

<and continued in a later post>

OK for those of you following at home:

Wednesday - Air conditioning knocked out at airport (Fire)

Thursday - Airport flooded (Water)

Friday - Thunderbolts and lightning very very frightening (Air - Kinda)

Which leaves us with Earth for today. My guess is either an earthquake (flown in special from California) or road construction/repair. I don't know which is worse. Probably road construction because it lasts longer.

(It should be pointed out that one of the major connections between StP and Mpls was closed at 8 on Friday for west bound traffic so I'm hedging my bets just a bit.)

Preparing for Attack - creativetype and COLT

c: Fubar, or 'F^@*ed up beyond all recognition' is an acronym that dates back to the European Theatre of WWII. It is assigned to people and situations that are, for the most part beyond hope. Heckfire Colt, I speak a little Russian, and have a number of friends from England and Europe who speak a half dozen other languages. Using Mir for a secret base should be easy. I hear they're going to be renting the tin can out later this year, and with the exchange rate we could get the place for a few rubles. Let's do this thing. (Insert maniacle Vincent Price laughter here.) haHahahahaHahaHaHeHEHEhehEHEhehHe- Heh-Heh. doh

So may I and the gnome join? He makes great cannon fodder. So do I for that matter.

C:You´re in. Although your gnome is a weak spot. Imagine your archenemy holding a badass gun to his head saying "One false move and the lawngnome gets it!"

Lady In Distress - Lady Miss Tree

Picture, if you will, a seriously sleep depped, weary-after-three-weeks-of-gallivanting-across-the-US, somewhat emotionally fraught Aussie girl standing outside Madame Mousey's block of apartments in Oakland waiting for a taxi to take her to the airport to catch a plane back to LA so she can catch her plane home.  

Picture, if you will, the taxi not arriving (despite numerous phone calls to the taxi company from the Blockbuster video store across the road).

Picture our heroine standing outside the Blockbuster, surrounded by luggage, realising that she has missed her flight and could be stranded. Picture her bursting into hysterical tears (I did say she was a little emotionally fraught) as this enormous black guy pulls up in his truck.

Picture the gentleman offering her a ride to the airport, because he feels so sorry for the poor stranded foreigner. Picture her considering, "Shall I get into a complete stranger's car, thousands of miles from home...? HELL YEAH!"

And the worst I had to show for it was he tried to get me to accept Jesus Christ as my personal saviour between Oakland and the airport. What a sweetie. ;>

Surreal... Um... *Some*thing - Reg, Cassie, Scott and Loz

R: But that is so passe nowadays. Why not take a surrealist approach and get a gnu and climb the tower.:-)

C:  Surrealism is overrated. That, and orange power tools the blighted wench.

S: Or he could combine surrealsim and religion and become the Salvador Dali Lama.

R: Or combine surrealism with horticulture and become Salvador Dahlia.

L: Surrealism, horticulture and cookery and become Salvador Dahlia Smith? (Hmmm, probably won't work outside the UK...)

C: I was thinking, instead, that a combination of surrealism, horticulture, and famous-victimhood would instead turn one into Black Salvador Dahlia.

When The Music Dies - Ekaterian and NightWalker

Ekaterian: <gasp> Walker without music! Is something wrong?

EXT. Walker's House - helicopter news footage Air raid sirens are going off, and the National Guard is converging on the area. Snipers have taken up strategic positions around the house, little red lights dancing on the windows, as the 5-man point team readies themselves. A bullhorn breaks over the loudness

Horn: Reverend NightWalker! We Have You Surrounded! Come out with your hands up! Don't try to hurt yourself!

<muffled from inside> Walker: Just a minute! Cripes! Leave it on the doorstep!

EXT Walker's House - Overhead Time passes. The armed insurgence team gets itchy.

VO Headset on SWAT team: He's not coming out, GO GO GO! Full Breach!

EXT Walker's House - Rear SWAT members shatter glass, crash through sliding doors, kick down doors, launch flash and concussion grenades, and storm the house.

INT: Walker's House - Hallway They charge down the hallway to the room he's in, kick the door in, and level the Heckler & Koch MP5's at the first thing they see.

INT: Walker's Computer Room Walker, wearing a kilt, no shirt, breathing hard, with ANGUS the Claymore in his hands. Hair s untied and straggly all around his head, beard fuzzy and scraggly, saliva dripping from his mouth, eyes wild.

Walker: What. The. FUCK?!?!?!?! Who are you, WHAT are you doing in my house, and what's with the FUCKING ARMY KICKING DOWN MY DOOR?!!??!

SWAT Leader: Sorry Sir... we didn't hear any music. Your Winamp wasn't registering. We wanted to make sure everything was ok, and you weren't responding to e-mail, phonecalls, or your pager. You see, you, without music... is almost a national emergency.

Walker: <quiet>

SWAT Leader: Sir?

Walker: <glaring> I was using... ACiD Pro 2.0. I had my headphones on. LOUD. I was making my OWN music, and I can't readily LISTEN to other things while I'm working on MINE!

SWAT Leader: Oh! Ummm... sorry Sir. Ahh. Want us to clean up?

INT Walker House: Walker marched them, at swordpoint, through the house and shoves the SWAT Team out the front door.

EXT Walker's House - Porch: Walker looks at the assembled forces

Walker: PISS OFF!! ...and GET OFF MY LAWN, DAMMIT!!!

EXT Walker's House: Walker turns around and slams the front door shut. It creaks, falls off the hinges, and breaks as it crashes on the porch.

VO Walker inside: FUCK!!!!

Duties Of A Fairy Godfather - Lucy Anne and Lady Miss Tree

LA: So what do you think fairy godfathers are supposed to do?

LMT:
Fairy godfathers have a lot of responsibility, I think. For a start, they need to be pretty adept at protecting hearts. Not in the "Here's my heart in a duck egg, please keep it in an ornate silver box on a mystical island surrounded by seas and dragons until I need it." way but in a "That boy broke my fairy goddaughter's heart so I need to curse him with a biblical case of boils on his arse." way.

A fairy godfather lets her find the spindle, but will be there when the tears come.

A fairy godfather offer instructions, but accepts that she is going to ignore them. He knows she will come to him one day and tell him he was right all along and she should have listened, but not before he suffers watching her going through the pain of learning for herself. And then he has to suffer the pain of not saying "I told you so."

A fairy godfather listens when she bemoans that her parents are evil and don't understand. And then he listens again when she tells him how wonderful they are. And he understands.

A fairy godfather waves the birds away from the breadcrumb trail so she can always find her way home.

A fairy godfather spends a lot of time with talking animals, fairies and old crones with chicken footed houses learning about how to take care of his charge.

A fairy godfather NEVER reveals that he has wings. He disguises them as a leather jacket.

A fairy godfather distracts the wolves as best he can. Sometimes he gets eaten instead. Sometimes she does. But he does his best.

A fairy godfather can see the heart of a beast and knows if it beats truly.

Neil is going to be a busy man. ;>

Intestinal Boogie? - Maure and NightWalker

M: but something inside me just lights up when I see the words Oingo Boingo.

NW: That would be your pancreas.

NW: Alight, little pancreas! Alight! Celebrate at the mere mention of the Mystic Knights of the Oingo Boingo! Dance little pancreas, Dance! Tell your friend, the Spleen to dance in the light of the Most Holy Pancreas! C'mon, get down and boogie 'till the diabetes kicks in!

NW: Get the intestinal boogie, down! That shit is funky, Heh!

M: um. Sorry.

NW: Hehehe... not as sorry as I'll be in the morning. Oooh... scotch and chili. Yum!

NW: Flee little tummy, flee! Take the liver and the gastrointestinal tract with you! Hehehehe.

Thingie Clue - everybody

Sinoplicious - Anonymous, Daniel Klein and Colt

[4. What's a word that means red and green at the same time? (feel free to get creative)]

Anon: Rotgrüngleichzeitig. (I think.)

DK: Yep, although no. (hehe) I mean, the single words are correct, but you couldn't .. really... uhm I mean.. COLT, help!

C: <red-and-blue-shadow zooms out of the sky> DO NOT FEAR, CITIZEN, IT IS I, THE INCREDIBLE COLT, COMING TO YOUR AID! Um, well... What do we have here?

C: Okay: I would say he CAN, because basically SCREW grammar-rules, and furthermore I would say that this exact same combination of words is a rare manifestation of postmodern dadaistic poetry, transcending genres in its sublime use of colours of both symbolic and enigmatic nature and linking them to a word that contains both SAME and TIME while in the sub-text implying a visual merging of aforementioned colours, thereby... <slow fade>

Neanderthingies - Colt and Lady Miss Tree

CaveColt: Me Colt. You Tree. We make babies. Maybe paint mammooth on wall later.

LMT: Erm, can we skip the actual babies bit? I'm sure they would be beautiful, but...

CaveColt: We use sabre-tooth gut. We get no babies, have fun, then paint mammooth and sabretooth on wall. Maybe paint porno too.

LMT: With mammoths and sabretooths?

CaveColt: Hmmm... Is good idea... Maybe try that.

LMT: O_O O_O O_O >_< O_o

Colt: Tree make funny eyes!

LMT: Backing away slowly and makeing no sudden moves.

CaveColt: <grabs a big dinosaur bone as club and follows, slowly>

LMT: You get any ideas about clubbing me over the head and dragging me around by my hair, sunshine, and I'll make you wish you'd never evolved from the primordial ooze...

Thingie Action Figures - Everyone

Cassie: i even come with a fluffy cat option now. (she just hopped into my lap.)

LMT: Who comes with Power Flirt(TM) and detachable Tim Tams. My Tuesday variant would have to be burgundy suit, cell phone, unfeasibly tall black pumps and bobbed red hair.

bafog1: who comes with a mouse and glasses, and several detachable heads with different coloured hair (blue and purple and blond, with a raven-head variant!).

Harvey: Katana, leather trenchcoat and two heads (one without ponytail, one with real hair ponytail). Of course I have to have the full range of articulation. Tuesday variants will have leather kilt and mesh tanktop.

ChrisM: who comes with Dancing Shoes and Library Card

Daniel Reid: who comes with crooked grin, shy demeanor and Karate Kick. The tuesday variant comes in a dark-blue-purple velvet suit with flared pants and a white blouse with ruches down the front. And big gold/silver cufflinks. My inner chick thinks she's Austina Powers. Only less chest hair.

Who You Callin' "Kid"? - Jinx and NightWalker

J: Umm,.....not 18 = still a kid....I mean I call Larry a pup, hell I even call Saint NightWalker himself a kid,....to his face no less and I still haven't been turned into a pillar of salt.

NW: Salt? Pshaw... that is, like, SO Old Testament.

NW: I'd rather hook the infidel up to the back of a 4x4, find the harshest stretch of tundra-esque landscape I could, drag them behind the truck at high speed for about 70 miles, douse the poor misguided soul with a mixture of iodine and rubbing alcohol, set them on fire, and then put the flames out with salted lemon juice.

NW: Rinse, repeat.

NW: <blinks>

NW: See, strange things happen to you when you wander the open road for a few weeks.

Tree-Huggers Turned Violent - Colt, Harvey, NightWalker, Reg and Lady Miss Tree

C: <Bodychecks Harvey Lee out of the way> Forget it, pal, this one´s mine! <starts swimming>

H: <plugs in dozens of toasters>

H: <chucks toasters into water>

H: <revs on by in stolen cigarette boat>

H: <que Miami Vice theme>

NW:<que 'Ride of the Valkyries' by Wagner>

<cut to shot of a dozen or so Apache gunships zooming across the water, bristling with missles, as they unload salvo after salvo of high incendiaries at the cigarette boat, churning the water to a flaming, steaming mass> 

<cue"Youkali Tango" by Kurt Weill>

R: <cut to a slowly revolving ceiling fan>

R: <pan down to Reg sitting in a Rick's Cafe Americana, wearing a linen suit and sipping a Gin Sling>

R: Reg:"The natives are restless tonight. It must be the full moon. We're quite safe in here though. Why don't you slip out of those wet things and into a Dry Martini?"

C: <sigh>

C: And who´s going to hafta do the stunts??? Huh???

C: <cue to Lee Majors singing>

H: <que music>

H: <water starts to boil>

H: <giant blue and red space craft rises>

H: <the setting sun behind it's giant engines>

H: BATTLE!!! OF THE PLANETS!!!!!

H: TRANSSS-MUTE!!!!!

H: <transforms into a fiery phoenix>

H: <obliterates all attackers in it's fiery wake>

LMT: [raises eyebrow, wrinkles nose at smell of burning flesh and sighs before sashaying off] Really gentlemen, there was plenty to go around.

Michael Hutchence Calendar Euphemisms - bafog1, Mute, Reg and Scott

b: I'll forgive you that sacrilege only because it's bloody likely true.

M: Not to mention his rooting roster. Or his carnal calendar.

R: And...
His shagging schedule.
His trysting timetable.
To say nothing of onanism appointments.
Reg(who thinks Scott should be abled to come up with a lot better material here)

S: For a small fee, I'll glady take you up as a consultant ; )
rutting registry
lascivious log
copulation chronicle
intercourse index
adulterous almanac
concubinage codex

--Scott-- (Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it)

You'll Be Doing *What* With The Nads? - Madam Melpomene, Colt, Lady Miss Tree and Anonymous

M: I have some Nads in my bathroom cabinent...

C: <cough> <Splutter> !! I better add that to the list of 'reasons not to annoy Mel...

?: Well, in England, 'Nads' are short for Gonads, or testicles, so the idea of you having some in your bathroom cabinet... It's a bit like the transatlantic confusion over 'Fanny', or the Norweigan [?] soft drink called 'crap'...

LMT: Don't worry, Nads means the same thing over here. Which is why we sell it to the 'Merkins. It's a bit like a brand of beer we were marketing over there a   couple of years ago called Wanker. The catchphrase...?

LMT: "I feel like a Wanker..."

Lady Miss Tree - Who sometimes wonders if the 'Merkins will buy anything.