random longer bits

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Neil Chat
Plan for Combating Mopeyness
From the New Music Transcript 3/99
In Response to Littleton
Summary of ConCat
What I Learned on My Holiday
Food For Thought
Neil's New Project
Neil's "Near Death" Experience
LegoLand on afn-g
**WARNING** afn-g Invasion In Progress
Impossible Mission
Sam the Cat
A Rant on Art
Thingie Orgy Script

Neil Chat - Luna

So then everything went along as planned, and I was private-chatting Margret or Mariane (can't remember which) and said "I already told Steve, if I faint at Tropicon, carry me to Neil's table and have him perform mouth-to-mouth." Only (luna blushes bright purple) It didn't go into a PC, it went INTO THE ROOM.

So naturally Neil (and everyone, but especially Neil) saw it. And I wanted to die. I got all apologetic and flustered, and he PC'd me again and said, "I thought it was funny. You can die of embarrassment now."

So I figured, what is the point of being shy now?  And I said, "If I do faint
at Tropicon, will you catch me?"

And he said, "Dunno, depends where I'm standing."

I am never going to live this down, and I don't care.  I don't know whether to
faint or laugh or cry!!!

Plan for Combating Mopiness - MarkWCats

All right then, as so many people seem intent on being depressed, here is my very own Plan For Combating Mopiness. Follow it precisely, and you should become much less mopey. [1] It is based on my personal experience.

1] Buy 24 litres of Diet Coke. Or more. Multiples of 24 is good.

2] Drink 8 litres of Diet Coke while listening to Sleeper's The It Girl. You should have the 8 litres consumed by the time you get to Feeling Peaky for the second time. If you haven't, then buy more Diet Coke, and start again.

3] By now, you should be feeling a slight urge to bounce around the room. Indulge it.

4] Giggle a little.

5] Drink 8 more litres of Diet Coke while listening to Garbage or Sleeper, or both. Continue bouncing. Sing along. Loudly.

6] Hit people with an umberella because it's kind of funny.

7] Drink the rest of the Diet Coke, along with any coffee you have around the place. Also Jolt, Pepsi, or any other caffeine containing substances. Liquids are used because they can be thrown at people in a much more amusing fashion that solids. Do not at any point stop bouncing.

8] You have now been following the Dunne Anti-Mopiness Plan for somewhat less than 1 hour and 15 minutes. Continue until you can giggle perkily at Radiohead.

9] For reasons of not having any handy myself and being jealous[2], alcohol is not a part of this plan. Besides, alcohol can have a depressing effect sometimes.

10] By now, you will be approaching the point where you feel the need to write pointless posts to Usenet which contain lots of *perkperkperkperkperkperkperkperkperkperkperk*. The reason for this isunknown, but it seems like a good idea at the time.

11] By the time you have gotten through your 10th 24litres of Diet Coke, you will have an urge to cheer other people up. Indulge it. Perk at them. Hit them with umberellas. Sing funny songs at them. Bounce around them. They really love it, you know,. They just pretend not to.

That's more or less it, but for one thing: Remember- *ALONG* the wrists, not across!

[1] Or maybe not. Who knows?
[2] Albeit in a perky fashion ;-)

MarkW(perked)Cats

From the New Music transcript 3/99 - posted by Lucy_Anne

Byron: The Endless. If each of the members of the Endless Family had a personal rock band, who would they be?

Neil: Desire would be glam; Destruction, I think, would probably be a heavy metal band.

Byron: But he's also the heavy metal band that's started to do ballads.

Neil: Exactly, spot on. Dream, I think, is probably frankly, sort of ambient.

Byron: I hear a Harold Bud, Bryan Eno kinda thing.

Neil: Exactly, Death, uh, God knows. Probably start with the Indigo Girls and see where you went... Maybe Tori, actually, Delirium, I think Delirium does front a number of bands and that only leaves Despair. And um, I think Despair is what happens when the music stops.

In Response to Littleton - NightWalker

NightWalker has just returned from shopping. He went out tonight wearing all black (like normal), as well as a trenchcoat. Since he was to be walking to his location, he decided to bring one small, legal knife. Also, since he was going to be walking along dark streets where streetlamps are not prevalent, he brought along a 3 D Cell Maglite flashlight. Both were to be in case of personal protection. There was no knife concealed, or in excess of two inches of blade length.

After purchasing four LR44 watch batteries, and a 'Biggs Darklighter' StarWars figure, he decides to venture to Blockbuster Video to pay off his debt of $30 or so. On the way in, he decides to rent some movies.

The movies he rents are:
American History X (Violent, depicting Nazi skinheads)
Apt Pupil (Another Nazi-themed movie)
A Clockwork Orange (Ummm...violent?)
Monty Python's 'Life Of Brian' (Heretical, mocking Christianity)

And purchased:
The Limited Edition boxed set of Herzog's 'Nosferatu' (Two tapes, both widescreen and uncut. An English version, and a German version [more violence/horror] with English subtitles. Movie is classified as 'horror' or 'gothic' and follows a vampiric storyline.) In addition to various snacks, drinks, etc.

He proceeded to go home without incident, and watch 'American History X' with family members. Then, he retired into his room (which is filled with swords, knives, etc...as well as Christian-mocking/heretical literature, punk music, etc.) and proceeded to blow seven of his friends away in a multiplayer game of Quake, taking great pride in using the hatchet (axe) weapon. After that, he lovingly polished his swords, and called a few friends to guarentee when the next Vampire Live Action game was taking place, and if he should bring the stage blood.

After this, he calmly read from his philosophy book (which contains a section of 'Mein Kampf' in it's reviews) and then goes to sleep.

He wakes up 7 1/2 hours later with no ill effects, no desire to blow the living fuck out of his college, or go on a murderous spree...

<snip>

It makes you want to go out and.....well....<grins> It makes you get right out and yell in some damn cameraman's face.

Summary of ConCat - NightWalker

Here is a nice short list of stuff though (with explanations on the way):

What I learned on my holiday - Reg

Food for Thought? - Doc Vacation & NightWalker

DV: You got to these big green/brown things (we call them trees) and take the soft stuff they grow (fruits) and eat them. You also may find that this big, mostly brown/white animals (cows) might give you some milk if you sqeeze them hard enough. Unlike the supermarcet it won't come in a bottle, so better bring your own. If you need more help, don't hesitate to ask

NW: Hey Doc...I tried to do what you said, but it didn't seem to work. See, I've got some of them green/brown things 'round my house...but the only soft stuff are these green cone-lookin' things, and a whole bunch of long needle-looking things...and they didn't taste to good. They kinda smelled like floor-cleaner, though. Also, I've got two of those white/brown things at my house. I squeezed one, and it licked me (then proceeded to bark and prance around, and play with a stick)...and the other let out this sort of a wheezy-hiss, scratched my arms up, then ran under the china cabinet.

'm I doin' things wrong?

Neil's New Project - Britney Spears Bio! - Lance, shira, NightWalker

(in response to a clueless post)

(Lance)
We all know that Gaiman secretly want to turn his Duran Duran book into a comic, so normally the Spears project would definitely be on the back burner.

However, if I remember correctly from his chat on AnotherPlanetOver.com, he did say something about Britney Spears can go to hell, so perhaps it's time for another Lucifer story. It could be that Heidi MacDonald, Vertigo editor and accordian player, told Gaiman they'll do the Duran Duran mini-series if he does a Britney Spears project and Gaiman is just working her into the continuity. Who knows, maybe she's already part of the Japanese pantheon.

Since Dave McKean is busy with his kale art book, perhaps the Britney Spears book got shoved to the front of the queue. I'm hoping Warren Pleece gets to handle the artwork.

(shira)
Neil first has to finish the Christina Aguilera underground porno comix he's writing with Michael Moorcock and Poppy Z. Brite.

Mr. Gaiman first came in contact with Christina and Britney while sitting at the Grammys, where he was nominated for "Best Bluegrass Recording by an Russian Cowherd" under the assumed name of Yoko H. Ono. He unfortunately didn't win this award, but he was able to meet the two aformentioned lovely young ladies.

Over a breakfast of orange juice and dill pickle slices on toast with cream cheese, Mr. Gaiman discussed the upcoming film of the Britney Spears graphic novel he hopes will be directed by Michael Jackson (in a first attempt of directing a Major Motion Picture) with secret news correspondant Brian Warner.  "We haven't confirmed who will star in the movie yet, dahling. On the other hand, love, we've decided the film will only be half live-action. Y'see, once Britney grows out of her Micky Mouse Club days, we thought it'd be best for the movie to switch to Claymation. Got that all down, dahling?" Mr. Gaiman casually remarked.

Other than those top-secret secrets that were told, we don't have any information on the movie, OR Mr. Gaiman's other project. However, stay tuned for up to the minute coverage!!

<eg>

(NightWalker)
Actually, it was just shortly thereafter that Neil also contacted DiCaprio to have a meeting with Bachalo, so he could get the facial rendering down for the Spears comic (since he had already been slated to play the BoyBand love intrest in the movie based on the comic that hasn't been written). Also, Vertigo originally had the idea to have Zulli re-draw the Alice Cooper 'Last Temptation' comic, so instead of the boy, it was Spears entering the theatre.

Also, a full double-page spread of a nude photo-realistic drawing of Spears by Zulli is going to be added center staple of issue #3, so she can attempt to prove to the world that she doesn't have implants, and that young perky breasts are the key to defeating Evil.

Of course, the most stunning announcement is that Mandy Moore is going to play Death *and* Door in both upcoming Gaiman movies...as well as have a hand writing the sequel to 'Neverwhere'...tentatively titled 'NeverMoore'. Gaiman was interested in this pair-up because he secretly enjoys the music, and Mandy Moore approached him, and confided in him that 'Neverwhere' needed more of a 'pop-lyrical' feel to it.

Of course, this is coming to you in the strictness of confidence. Ignore the point that it's posted to Usenet, and tell the world!

Neil's "Near Death" Experience - HippMama

A group of us (including Neil) stood on the beach talking about parasailing. I remarked to Neil that since I had survived it the previous day, I didn't think fate would be so kind two days in a row, so I would probably refrain from the excitement.  Neil decided that since he had survived it the previous day, he might as well go again. 

He got harnessed up, and took off perfectly. I took this as a sign that maybe I should try the whole thing again.  I had the waiver in my hand, and was just about to sign it when I turned to see Neil falling out of the sky.  His feet were kicking very daintily as he floated down.  His head went under, then bobbed back up to the surface.  I promptly handed the waiver thingie back to the parasailing guy and watched as two men went to perform the rescue operation.  Neil was dragged back to shore, and walked out of the water a little shaken, but otherwise okay.

I asked, "So, were you terrified?"  He kind of glared at me in a very polite way, and then proceeded to explain to everyone that yes, he had been very terrified for a while, thought he was going to die, rationalized that at least the photos would be worth a lot of money, then realized that he had a life vest on and that he would be okay, so he immediately directed his attention toward trying to save his watch's life (which was later discovered to be water resistant up to 30 meters) by holding it out of the water. 

That is the wholly unembellished version of my view of the events.  Please understand that the group that actually saw this happen was not altogether big (Neil's own son was happily jet skiing while he went down), so you can trust my accuracy on the matter.  If you really want to be sure, you can print it out, and save it for Neil's next signing, ask him if it is an accurate representation of the facts, and maybe get his signature across it.

LegoLand on afn-g - NightSnake and NightWalker

NS: On the subject of Lego, did anyone else ever make a big hollow cube and fill it with loosely packed Lego, then throw it at the wall above your Sisters' bed while she was in it ?

NW: No sisters, but I did something like it.

NW: When I was a lot younger, I got into a weird 'city' building mode. I was making streets, neighborhoods, etc. etc., all linked together with the landscaping plates. There were cars, police stations, everything.  The largest city I made was well over 30' by 20', and filled an entire back room the way that some people have expansive train sets.

It was then, that my grandfather gave me a Super 8mm Kodak movie camera, with a tripod. I started to build a lot of scrap Lego structures and things that would easily come apart.

The 15 1/2 minute movie 'The Destruction of LegoTown via Meteors, Giant Rubber Dinosaurs, and the combined forces of GI Joe, Cobra, and Voltron' was soon a cult favorite with my friends.

**WARNING** afn-g Invasion In Progress - NightWalker
a.k.a. Walker Prepares for Tropicon

<cut to a scene of clothes strewn all over a room, two large green duffel bags stuffed to the extremes. A tall, bearded man, dressed all in black is trying to cram a Toronto Maple Leafs hockey jersey into one of them>

[Announcer]: This is Skye Williams, live for K-GIB News. I'm standing here in the home of T.N. Walker....a crazed, rabid militant bent on world destruction!

[Walker]: Ummm...what? I'm packing for a Con, man.

[A]: Aha! Not only are you a militant, you're a con-man as well! This exclusive is being brought to you live by Sk--

[W]: No. A con. A convention. Florida. Neil. Comprende?

[A]: I see! This man is preparing to con a convention in Florida, and his contact is a man named "Neil"....this lavish tale of debauchery is live   from--

[W]: Okay. That's enough. Lemme explain something. It's a comic/Sci-Fi convention. The guest of honor is Neil Gaiman. The artist GoH is Charles Vess. I've got 9 days to pack, and if you don't get out of my way, I'm going to hurt you.

[A]: The truth IS out there! So, you're going to be taking advantage of all the lesser intelligent people at this convention with the help of the Guests of Honor! I have to remind my viewers that this is---

[W]: That's it. Kneel. 

[A]: That's what I said! Neil!

<a scene of Walker looking around his room calmly. Then, going off camera, thesound of steel scraping together. Walker appears back onscreen carrying Angus,his trusty claymore>

[W]: No. Kneel. K-N-E-E-L. As in "Kneel before me and receive thy punishment." You taken this a bit to far.

[A]: Ummm...ahh....we'll be back after this message.

<sounds of screams, scuffling, and a couple solid whacks. Silence>

OC [W]: <sighs> Dammit. All over the rug.

<sounds of a speaker phone being dialed>

[Voice]: Sarge's Comics...this is Tracey.

[W]: Jinx? Walker. They're onto us. We've got to change procedure. I'll be arriving in 9-10 days by air. You'll be bringing down Luna, Lurker, and meeting Margaret, correct? Your transport is via ground-unit, correct?

[J]: <confused sounding> Ummm....yeah. Mike can't make it. Who's onto us? What are you talking about? Have you been getting enough sleep?

[W]: Damn. Alright...check up on Marianne and Morgana. I'll see if JJ is coming down from our NoCal contingent, and if she's bringing reinforcements or not. We might have a couple others coming in from Atlanta, and perhaps the Southwest. I'll keep you posted. We've got to keep this quiet.

[J]: Now you're worrying me. What's going on. Are you in some kind of trouble? It sounds like your planning something....you're not planning anything are you? Not one of your secret Armageddon subplots huh? No plans of worldwide domination enlisting the poor souls at a lowly Sci-Fi con as your cannon fodder? No tactical strike plans from Florida....right?

[W]: <silence>

[J]: RIGHT.....WALKER?

[W]: Ummm...<gulp> Of course not! Ha. Ha. Ha. <deadpan> That's a funny one, Jinx. Ha. Ha. No, I would ever think of that. Too complex. <rushed> Wellgottago.Gottapack.Seeyoulater...ummm....inFlorida. Yeah. K. Bye.

<speakerphone is shut off>

[W]: 9 days and counting...and the world will be MINE!!! Muahahahahaaaa!!

<camera pans to Walker, face toward sky, arms reached out, laughing maniacally [think cinematic "It's Alive!" pose] and clutching his hands. camera slowly fades out to blackness>

Impossible Mission - NightWalker
a.k.a. Walker Prepares for Tropicon, Part II

<opening theme>
<cut to an overhead shot <Walker's POV> of an all black server room...blacklights illuminating the walls and hundreds of feet of blue  CAT-5 cable. Shot spins off and pulls back...>

<side shot: Walker, dressed in his standard Silent Bob Tactical Gear   hangs suspended high above the floor, being slowly lowered by two thin metal cables on pulleys, toward a simplistic computer console. He holds the controls to the pulley system in his right hand>

<quietly> "Almost there....just a...few....more...."

<he reaches the keyboard, pressing a button on the pulley system to stop him. Reaching out, he types slowly on the keyboard> 

<Frustrated> "Dammit to hell. It's a UNIX system."

<typing quickly, he enters the administrator password (N*Gaiman) and inserts an optical disk into the drive. POV Walker -> The screen.>

"Now...to find the file."

<POV Walker again: the screen flashes twice as the cursor highlights a single file......the FOG-List. He clicks the "Enter" key and watches the names scroll across the screen> 

"Heh...all the FOGs going to the Convention. And they said this was an Impossible Miss---"

<suddenly, the flip-phone strapped to his chest rings. He twitches, fidgeting with the straps to the phone, while looking around fearfully and trying to shut the damn thing up. After a few seconds, he composes himself, and answers it.>

<Phone Voice> "Walker? It's Jinx. I know you're at work and all, but we've got to talk about this whole "world domination" agenda-thing you're going   on about."

<Walker, whispering> "It's not a good time right now...I'm a bit busy."

<Jinx, sarcastic> "Oh. Yeah. Ok. You're not doing anything weird, right? No bad movie re-enactments and shit? You know...spy-movie technology rarely works in the real world."

<Walker> "Of course not....everyone knows that all that stuff is just all special effects and cr--GAH!"

<the cables break, and Walker lands on the black tile floor with a thud>

<Jinx, knowing exactly what's going on> [sighs] "WALKER."

<Walker> "Ummm...lemme call ya back." <closes the flip-phone>

Will The NightWalker complete his Impossible Mission and successfully   hatch a world dominating subplot that will ensure his tyrannical reign over the Earth?

Will The NightWalker be committed to Ft. Lauderdale Community Hospital for psychotherapy?

Will Jinx213 ever realize that Walker is insane, and that telling him "No" just increases his delusions?

Will Luna, Lurker Steve, and the rest of the Tropicon FOGs be able to keep a handle on NightWalker, knowing full well that the insanity that drives him is accessorized by heavy drinking and access to convention-style shopping?

We will know in 6 days....and the world shall hold it's collective breath.

Sam the Cat - NightWalker

Sam (the 17 pound calico) decided to play "Let's incur the wrath of Daddy and jump up on the arm of the couch, land on his hair, and meow loudly (yet with a hint of cuteness) in his ear so he'll chase us and I can take his nice warm seat."

See, we used to think that Sam was caring for us. We used to think that she was a loving cat that would cuddle with us when we're sick, or when we needed cheering up, or just to be compassionate.

Wrong. Sam likes to sit on the couch, because humans sit there and keep it warm. If you come up on her while she's sitting and try to move her, she meows, growls, hisses, and complains. So, she will get on the couch and cause whatever havoc she can to make you get up and will then quickly take your seat.

Poor Sam. Little did she know that I was sitting in the living room, relaxing from casually improving my aim with my new8-barrel air pressure gattling gun suction dart Nerf weapon.

It was sitting right next to me. It was already fully reloaded.

With a roar, I brought the gun to bear, spun the chamber, and started pumping and firing like mad. 8 shots, 6 hit. One managed to actually suction itself onto the television screen right as a Celine Dion commercial was on...and the last one just flew wide. I still haven't found it.

I don't think Sam's been near the couch all day

A Rant on Art - Rantz

I literally got kicked out of my theories of art class my senior year because (this was a seminar class) I looked around at the the young 20-somethings who for the most part had never worked a day in their lives, and were in 'art' because it was something that they could breeze or at least, not overly tax themselves... looking around, I became a bit testy. The professor, a politically correct... individual of the first class asked the all-encompasing idiotic question to the class 'What is Art?' And each of the 13 of us were to go around and say what we thought.

Now, this is a fucking foolish question to ask a bunch of kids. especially kids who, for the most part, have no artistic skill, ability or inclination other than what they had been taught in the 3.5 years they attended. So of course as we go around the room, every answer was a variation of "I believe art enlightens us, raises the spirit of man, reflects the greater whole of society, blah-de-fucking blah blah, and on, and on..."

So, I'm last and the professor asks me the question, and I look around again, and realize i'm the only one of these students who has tried to make a living doing art. Has squeaked by on $7,000 a year because comics don't pay for shit if you're not a big name, had to work odd jobs to pay the bills (some jobs odder than others...) and I felt like 'ok, let's take off the kid gloves then'  "Art" I said, "Is either masturbation or prostitution. Simple as that."

insert dead silence here.

"Ummmmm, now don't you think that is an oversimplification?' The Prof. replied trying to steer the subject into more 'appropriate territory'.

"Nope, give me *any* example of any artist and i'll tell you whether it's masturbation or prostitution, because it all comes down to either money, or your own pleasure."

"well" she countered, "what about artists who are discovered after doing their own art for years and don't change what they are doing, but then people want to purchase their work?"

"There are always the individuals who like to watch others get off, it's called voyeurism, and the art world isn't without it's share of them."

I was removed from the class shortly after that. Now, do I *honestly* think I have the right to say 'you as an artist have the responsibility to not suck!' 

Well, no i don't.

But, the point i was meandering around was that, to me, an artist has more of a responsibility to the craft, the quality, and the best manifestation of their art, than they do worrying about social ramification and 'morality' (which, if art is in the eye of the beholder, then morality is even a greater slippery slope...)  ok, enough of my art-school-damaged-psyche-venting. back to it...

Thingie Orgy Script - Harvey Lee, Sally, Ghost

S: Ouch, ouch, oh stop it, stop it, stop twisting my arm! Oh, allright. But only because you made me. :)

H: Cool. Now that we have our cast, do we have the 300-400 digital cameras, wire harness and green screen ready? Gotta have the appropriate F/X for the flick. Bullet time, the way no one ever expected it to be used.

"It's the question that drives us. Do you know the question?"

"What is The Matress?"

<que techno muzak>

<flashing images of bodies>

<explosions and gunfire>

<ones and zeros scroll across the screen>

"Stop trying to fuck me and fuck me!"

<cast shot of everyone in black trechcoats and sunglasses>

<and nothing else>

COMING TO A THEATRE NEAR YOU

G:  Just thought I would lend my talents as producer/editor and cameraman...Its my spec-i-al-ity...

H: Just so long as you're not the fluffer.