random longer bits

Page Five: 61-75


Win Tom Galloway's Money
Tim Tam Commandment
Ivory's Package


Win Tom Galloway's Money - squeaks, tyg, Reg

s: Be afraid everyone. This is the person who came up with the category "I'm a Gaiman fan, but there's nothing wrong with that" (<-- or something very like that, sorry if I misquoted) for his game show, 'Win Tom Galloway's Money'.

t: To be precise: "I'm a Gaiman fan, not that there's anything wrong with that"; It needs the Seinfeld riff to completely work.

t: And, just for the heck of it, here's the categories we used for the latest version (at least as they were when I sent them to my sidekick, Keith DeCandido; he made some small alterations in some of 'em):

Round 1:

Omni or Analog? Heck, take Bova them;
Bakula to the Future;
Spring is Brusting out all over;
I call shotgun in the van Vogt;
Dudley, Time to Save Pournelle from Snidely Again;
Spice, Spice Baby;
I Tried Reading Stanislaw, but Thought He was Kinda Lem.;
I Watched Cheers to See If Ted would Mary Shelley.;
Pining for Benford;
Aria 51;
Tiptree Through The Tulips;
Blish Splash I Was Taking A Bath;
The Rocky and Bullwinkle Horror Picture Show;
Something Wiccan This Way Comes;
Where There's A Willis, There's A Way;
WWF Simakdown;
Me Tarzan, You Jane Yolen;
Are You Going to Yarbro Fair?;
The Trouble With Trekkies;
Jude, Where's My Car?;
Joanna's Russ to Judgment;
The Jedi Knight Whipped Out His Light Saberhagen;
He Reached Into de Pocket, But Found Only de Lint;
It's De-Lovely, It's De-Lightful, It's De-Laney;
A rabbi, a nun, and Christopher Priest Walked Into A Bar;
He's Not A Pervert, Despite His Pournelle Collection;
Hungry Like The Gene Wolfe;
Gene Wolfe in Sheep's Clothing;
Turn of a friendly Orson Scott Card;
[in best TAXI DRIVER imitation] "Are you Tolkien to me? Are you Tolkien to me?";
Beowatch;
My Lovecraft is full of eels;
Fifty Ways to Love Your Leiber;
Play That Funky Music, T.H. White Boy.;
The Mumy Returns;
John Shirley, You Jest;
Big Trouble in Little China Mieville;
I Left My Suit to be George R.R. Martinized;
The Boogie Woogie Cthulu-boy of Company B;

------Round 2 (Note: Just like Win Ben Stein's Money, I stacked the round I'd play in with topics I felt stronger in)

I, Robot, You Jane;
R.U.R. Or Have You Ever Been A Robot?;
My Favorite Martian Chronicles;
To Think I Saw It on Bradbury Street;
If You Don't Know Phillip K. or Arthur C., then you don't know Dick, Clarke.;
Jane See Tarzan. Tarzan See Arthur. Arthur C. Clarke.;
Go West, Young Frankenstein;
Mostly Douglas;
A Rage In Harlan;
I'm A Gaiman Fan, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That;
Did Buffy Punch The Spike Again?;
Whedon Need No Stinking Badges;
Point of No Wheaton;
Come Back to the Five and Dime, Jimmy Doohan, Jimmy Doohan;
Ivanova Had A Permanent Case Of JMS;
The JMS Pinafore;
Kinfolk Said Jedi Move Away From There;
Home of the Brave, Land of the Freisner;
The Stan Lee Cup;
Hulk Smashed! Spidey's Just Blitzed!;
Kirby Your Enthusiasm;
You Won't Like Him When He's Ang Lee;
Avengers Assembly Required;
May The Schwartz Be With You;
Bend It Like Wertham;
You Don't Know Jack Williamson;
Wild Cards, Starring Wink G.R.R. Martindale;
The Amazing Spider-Robinson;
Lois Bujold Was Such A Vor;
The Thin Red Heinlein;
There's a Heinlein Bewteen Madness and Genius;
Take A Long Walk Off A Short Piers Anthony;
Hi Yo, Silverburg!;

t: Believe me, we also had some not reused bad ones from the last time we did this back in 2001.

R: What no:
The Good, The Bradbury and The Ugly.
What's up, E.E. Smith?
Vonnegut Your Tongue?
Lafferty is the Best Medicine.
Asimov a Dillemma.
According to (Fred) Hoyle.
Take Me Out To The Ball, Gaiman.
Gernsback To Where You Once Belonged.
Like A Sturgeon.
Le Guin and Bear It.
Let's Face The Music And Vance.
It Was The Bester Times, It Was The Worst Of Times.
Aldiss And No Surprises.
Laid Brunner.
Be Haldeman.
Moorcock Crows At Midnight.
Will No-one Rid Me Of This Christopher Priest?
That's A. Moore. Eh.
Baxter the Wall.

R: And I will stop now because I'm scaring myself with how quickly I came up with that list.

R: Damn you Scott Conner! Look what you've turned me into!

Tim Tam Commandment - PugUgly & Colt

P: Tim Tams... The damn things are so good there should be a commandment against them.

C: There is, only it got edited out of the official version. In the original story, people were not dancing round a golden calf but rather bonging their TimTams in hot chocolate, to much merriment and orgiastic excitement. Only then did Moses understand the 11th commandment called "thou shalt not bong," and he forbade the practice of bonging forever. Rumours have it that one outbreak of TimTam-bonging went into the annals as the ominous "Sodom and Gomorrha" incident. According to an apocryphical source, the last words of Lot's wife were "Look, it's a double-dipped Timtarghlblarg" before the Wrath of God turned her into a Pretzel (an event still honoured by various airlines by the offering of pretzels in mid-flight).

C: The vatican, however, wanted to deny the very existence of something as sinworthy as TimTams and thus changed the story. So for almost 2000 years, the secret of TimTams was forgotten, until in recent times the prophet Arnott found secret sheets of parchment in a descrated tomb in lower Egypt, inside what seemed to have been an underground guerilla bakery way back when. After consulting a few experts on Egyptian sweets and hieroglyphs, he thus pieced together recipes for 7 versions of TimTams (in the bible cryptically referred to as "the 7 deadly sins") and started to reverse history. To my knowledge, the prophet still has
to remain in hiding in fear of the secret remains of the Spanish Inquisition that have sent their chief Exorcist after him. The vatican denies everything, but we all know that they lie. The hints are everywhere in the scriptures. It is said that John formulated his apocalypse after a three-week TimTam withdrawal period, but evidence is inconclusive.

Ivory's Package - Jinx, Ivory, squeaks, Colt, Harvey Lee

J: Jinxie who now really has to mail that package to Ivory

I: I have a package?

s: Sweetie, of COURSE you have a package. Comes with the DNA. ;P

I: I'm flattered. Our Lady of the Righteous Ink, Squeeks has been checking out my package. I must be slipping in my old age, or perhaps maturing (Oh dear god say no!) I actually didn't see that "package" opportunity until after I posted it. Oh well, there's always someone else with a filthy mind to come along and pickup the ball...

C: But it usually doesn't come with the mail... Jinx, Ivory, what HAVE you been doing???

I: Ahem, no but it does come with the male. You just spelled it wrong. We've been working on a detachable penis program. I had a special velcrostimy and now I can remove and attach at will. I send it to Jinxie for awhile and she sends it back. It's not like I get any use out of it anyhow...

C: Ew. I mean, we all got a little velcro down there, but that thought is just wrong... As for the lack of use for it, I hear you. I have had a "closed for the season" sign on my pants for years... But since yours is detachable: In Native mythology, Coyote can detach his penis and send it swimming to inseminate bathing women. You should work on that!

I: I'll decline that idea on the basis that with my luck and the rather litigious nature of modern society I'd end up with any number of lawsuits ranging from rape to paternity.

I: Well, this would open up a big can o'worms...

H: This can be how detachable penises be marketed.

H: "New and improved, Big Can-O-Worms. The other white meat."

C: Like, if you detach it, are you still responsible for its actions? And anyway, is it you and your penis or you and your body? Where does the male identity and intelligence lie? And can a penis be blamed for acting according to its nature and purpose? And is it a legal person that can be sued? Man, the lawsuits could go on for DECADES before they even resolve the premises for it...

J: Honeybunny, I can't believe you told them, I mean now we have to hurry to patent it and make all our money. Not to mention every other girl on the ng is going to want to try it, and I don't wanna share.

C: ...on Tuesdays, everybody will want to share.

I: Brings about a rather sick vision of a twisted keep away game, much like the cult film "Street Trash".

s: Woo hoo! The cat's out of the bag!
<runs to patent office>
<remembers she doesn't know the formula>

J: :loud manical mad scientist like laughter:
Neiner neiner neiner

s: um... hrm.

s: As for sharing, perhaps some sort of cloning mechanism is in order? Then you won't have to share... unless you want all of them for yourself...

J: Well since I have nothing else to do maybe I could work on that aspect. But Ivory,.......do you want "body" parts cloned and mass marketed?

I: Hmmm, I dunno if cloning my "junk" would be such a good idea. I mean it's nice an all. I'm rather fond of it, but the idea of a room full of mini-me's when I can't even keep the one satisfied is disturbing. I'm getting the vision of a B grade Roger Corman movie. Attack of the 50 Penis's. Or of course a Star Wars prequel Attack of the Clones.